Coffee and TV – Blur

The one where a milk carton goes on an adventure
Released 1999

The music video for Coffee and TV has won several awards and has regularly featured in ‘best music video’ polls since its release in 1999, and it’s easy to see why. Probably a contender for most adorable rock video of all time?

We begin with Blur band member Graham Coxon, whose picture is on the side of a milk carton after going missing. His family are eagerly awaiting news from him but they’ve had no luck. They’re sitting around the breakfast table when the milk carton then gets up and does a little happy dance on the dining table. But everyone is so sad! Why are you sad? Sure, your son is missing but there’s an cute milk carton dancing in front of you! Why doesn’t my milk carton do a little happy dance in the morning for me?

Coffee and TV - Blur 1

You would never have a bad day with dancing dairy products

Seeing everyone’s sad faces Milky (yes, the milk carton actually has a name) decides to go out and find Graham himself! A milk carton that not only dances but displays initiative? Colour me impressed!

This is one of my favourite songs for my training, because when I go out for big long hikes I hear this song and instantly pick up my pace and walk like the milk carton. Haha. Oh, you think I’m joking?

Coffee and TV - Blur 5.gif

Literally me (source)

But the world is full of scary things for a milk carton. Like whipper snippers and motorbikes.

Luckily he gets a lift into the city on the said motorbike, and gets help from a few people. He comes across a can, before a group of children kick it away. Kick the can!? Payphones!? Milk that isn’t low fat or lactose free!? Children these days must watch this video and have no idea what is even going on.

Milky then finds a flyer for Big Suzy – she makes all your dreams come true. I bet this is going to end well.

Running away in understandable terror (sex with a milk carton? There’s probably a fetish for that), he then comes across a lady milk carton. Eyes on the job, Milky! He falls in love with her, because she’s pretty hot, let’s be real.

Coffee and TV - Blur 2

The Angelina Jolie of milk

But then someone comes along and stomps on her. This world is awful!!!

Milky then finds himself in the dark alleyway – this can’t be good. There are some angry looking cans and some scary looking plastic bottles (remember, plastic bottles live forever). It all seems to be getting increasingly hopeless when…

He finds Graham! He’s okay! He’s just jamming with his mates.

Coffee and TV - Blur 3

Like a few men I know, he’s probably just neglected to call his parents for a while. Like, long enough to find himself as a missing person on a milk carton. He then thinks about his family and has a realisation, ‘Oh maybe I should see them.’

Then without a further word to his band mates, he walks out – see, Graham you should probably tell them where you are going too. This is how you got yourself into this mess. People care about you! Next your bandmates will be putting a picture of you on a milk carton.

He then goes back home and before entering the house, takes one last swig from Milky.

But Milky is alive and does little happy dances, don’t kill him! What’s more, he has been out all day and night trying to find you and been out of the fridge the entire time, and he is probably rancid by now.

But then, a happy(ish) ending – Graham is reunited with his family and Milky, although dead, is reborn as an angel, and gets to live out the afterlife with his strawberry mate.

Coffee and TV - Blur 4

True milk love forever

Crush on You – Aaron Carter

The one where a 10 year old tries to seduce an older lady
Released 1997

This post was HARD. I first began drafting this a few weeks ago and had this song stuck in my head for DAYS afterwards and then I was too terrified to come back to it. Honestly, I’d be walking back from the supermarket and all of a sudden I would have this high pitched,
“HOW DID YOU KNOW cos I never told…” out of nowhere.

tumblr_mgmpf843jk1s2t862o5_250

But then signs began appearing, telling me that I needed to finish the post. The first was the most obvious, being my best friend asking me,
‘Where is your Aaron Carter post?’
Then my cousin, who is the exact opposite of a cheesy 90s pop fan, inexplicably shared this actual video on his Facebook the other day, bemused this song even existed.
Then I was looking through old photos and came across this – the remnants of Aaron the glacè cherry from high school (yes we named a glacè cherry). We named the glacè cherry after Aaron Carter because it was tiny, like him (back then). Over 10 years later we found him in an envelope with some rose petals and an article about Christina Aguilera.

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 4

‘Write that blog post!’ said the glace cherry

So here it is. Aaron Carter. He was the Justin Bieber of his day. He had parties, wanted candy and he beat Shaq. Pretty iconic. This is a cover of The Jet’s song from 1986 – it’s predominantly sung by women and yet it’s still not as high pitched as Aaron Carter’s version.

The video begins with Nick Carter giving Aaron a pep talk (which is cut out of the video above). Aaron complains that the girl he likes, fancies ‘muscle men’ aka. Not 10 year old scrawny kids like him. Why is that I wonder? Is it because she looks, oh I don’t know, 25 years old?

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 5

She’s out of your league, out of your age group, out of your generation, Carter

“You’ve got to be yourself, girls like that,” says Nick Carter, swaggering off in his gangsta gear.

Aaron magically finds a professionally printed sign alerting him to a talent show. Nick told Aaron he had to be himself, remember, and as we all know, Aaron himself is talented. Perfect!

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 1

Seems legit

The song begins with Aaron perplexed how this girl managed to find out he has a crush on her (“You must have heard it from my best friend, she always talking when she should be listening…”), when the little twerp he begins the line of whispers himself. Only got yourself to blame. Don’t blame this on your pretend best friend!

“…How did you know, because I never told…” he insists at the beginning of the chorus.

No actually, Aaron, I just said, you DID tell! Look! You told this dude right at the start. Photographic proof. Lies!

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 7

Chorus is null and void

Going to be honest, I felt especially creepy watching a prepubescent kid singing ‘The way you move was so self-assured’ while doing the lady-curves move and then seductively running his hands down his overalls.

Eventually the line of whispers ends at the girl of Aaron’s affections. And her reaction to being told a 10 year old has a crush on her #accurate

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 2

Aaron wins the contest with his sexy dance moves *shudder* and he scores the top prize which is … a cougar!

Crush on You - Aaron Carter 3

How is this okay?

But in the last seconds, a girl actually Aaron’s age comes along and straight away Aaron has left his cougar for this new, age-appropriate girl. I can’t say I’m not relieved but still, you spent an entire music video and a talent show in order to get your cougar and then you just leave her? You’re a tease.

What is Aaron Carter up to now? Well he’s just released a new song called Fool’s Gold, in the video he has a nifty piano tattoo and you know what, I actually quite like the song. And again…

tumblr_mgmpf843jk1s2t862o5_250

Tragedy – Steps

The one where girls inexplicably have their weddings hijacked for no discernible reason
Released 1998

What is it with Steps and their, well, dance steps? I remember all of them as though these songs were released yesterday. Knowing dance moves to Steps songs is of no importance to my life as it currently stands (perhaps it is a skill called for in the future) and yet, it is seared into my brain. If my life movie was Inside Out, my only core memories would be STEPS DANCE MOVES.

Tragedy 7 - Steps

My memory is a … TRAGEDY

If you’re keen on reading up on the origin of said dance moves for Ancient Pop History – Steps Module then I suggest you take a look at this article. I’m still not sure if either of those stories are really real though. TRAGEDY.

The video begins with Lee waking with a start to his novelty alarm clock (they are a bit of a novelty band, after all). He then runs in to rouse H, who is peacefully asleep with his Winnie the Pooh plush toy (TRAGEDY). It appears that all the Steps ladies are getting married on the same day. Well that’s just shit scheduling on their part isn’t it? How on earth are H and Lee going to go to three weddings in a day? (TRAGEDY).

Cut to Faye walking down the aisle with her dreads. Note she isn’t wearing a veil, but a chandelier on her head. It’s the bridal version of the Aussie cork hat (TRAGEDY).

Tragedy 8 - Steps

Keeps the flies away

If you’re wondering why all the extras in this video look a bit awkward and look similar to the band members, it is because they are their actual families. What a genius way to not have to spend the budget on extras!

Lee and H yell and scream to get her attention, and then without any further explanation she’s off! She’s running away from the groom, while everyone is all like WTF then:

Tragedy 3 - STeps

TRAGEDY!!

Leaving Faye …somewhere … Lee and H then they sneak to Lisa’s wedding to tie up her hubby to be.

Tragedy 4 - Steps

Guys, the stag do was a week ago!

She rocks up and sees that Lee is standing there instead. What does she do? Say, ‘Lee, what are you doing here, you aren’t my fiancee’. Nope, she says ‘Totes amazeballs’ and strolls off with him.

Tragedy 5 - Steps

Surprise! It’s me, your work colleague Lee.

By now we’ve got the gist of what is happening so we aren’t wondering what’s going to happen to poor Claire, but how is it going to happen? H is screaming down the aisle in a scooter (TRAGEDY) before Lee literally throws her over his shoulder and carries her out.

They then all stand outside a church while confetti blows over them, because if there was ever a time for confetti, it’s definitely after you’ve destroyed three relationships in one day.

Tragedy 6 - Steps

Meanwhile all three grooms console each other with Lisa’s groom still tied up… I mean, seriously guys I think you can probably untie him. Maybe this is why the boys saved the girls from marrying these guys, they are clearly a bit dim (TRAGEDY).

They all then have a party and bust out those Steps dance moves that I clearly know so well (core memories, remember). I wonder, if like a real wedding, if anyone hooked up. If no one did, it would be a … TRAGEDY. For all those playing along at home, the wedding DJ is record producer Pete Waterman.

By the way, where exactly is the tragedy for Steps members in this video? For people who have had their weddings ambushed by fellow band members I feel like they are having a right good time of it. The only people that are having the real tragedy is the grooms, and I’m sorry, but at the end of the video they still haven’t thought to untie Lisa’s poor not-hubby so they probably deserve it.

Tragedy 2 - Steps

I also feel Faye’s chandelier is worth an induction into the Ridiculous Hats Hall of Fame. It’s not a hat, but it’s on top of her head and fairly ridiculous, so that’s good enough for me. Sorry Faye. TRAGEDY!

Faye Tozer

 

Relight My Fire – Take That

The one where a bunch of lads wear a variety of sparkly vests, midriff tops and ridiculous hats to a nightclub.
Released 1993

Attention Take That circa 1993: We need to talk about your fashion choices. I know, I know, every single one of us were getting around with mullets and parachute pants back then but this is summin’ else. It’s no ‘Do What U Like’, but I’ll deal with you all in a moment.

Take That were one of the biggest boybands of the 90s… unless you’re from the United States, in which case they were one hit wonders, and it’s your loss. When Take That announced their split in 1996, such was the despair that helplines were set up to help heartbroken fans. I didn’t call the helpline that day. Because instead, that very same day, I got my first period. Yep. That’s a dramatic day in a girl’s life, I can tell you.

But back to Relight My Fire, which was a cover of Dan Hartman’s 1979 song. If you are looking for a very accurate portrayal of how this cover came about, I suggest you check out this snippet from Star Stories. “How DARE YOU slam the door on Lulu!!”

At the time of writing this, the top Youtube comment on Relight My Fire is ‘Anyone else thought they were singing ‘We like papaya’?’ So big thanks to that person, I have spent the past hour singing in my lounge about an exotic fruit to the tune of this song, which in no way is an indication of how sad my life is.

Relight My Fire 9 - Take That

We like papaya!

The video begins with Take That sashaying into a nightclub, wearing their finest midriff tops and sparkly vests, and Robbie wearing a …skyscraper on his head? I don’t even know if that’s the worst of it. I have to know why Howard is wearing a nappy?

Relight My Fire 1 - Take That

On closer inspection I think they could be a pair of chaps, which may or may not make it better.

Why does it look as though they are entering through giant plastic sheets like it’s a crime scene? There are some fairly bad crimes against fashion going on here, to be fair.

Relight My Fire 6 - Take That

CSI: Boyband Unit

Because what would your first thoughts be if you saw these guys walking into the club?

Relight My Fire 7 - Take That

Mark Owen is wearing a crop top that says ‘Junkie Baddy Powder’, which, inappropriately, I desperately wanted for myself. Mark was my favourite because, as an 8 year old, he was the member that looked the closest to my age.

Relight My Fire 5 - Take That

All the best men in the 90s wore curtains

Relight My Fire 2 - Take That

“It’s totally fine now but getting in the taxi here was a bitch.”

Jason and some chick decide that they will clean the car, or, perhaps they are washing a dog. It’s soon clear they are no longer interested in washing the dog as they are seductively showering each other, and clearly the footage of a left-out looking dog has since been cut.

Relight My Fire 10 - Take That

‘Not cool, you guys.’

The band are soon joined by Lulu – who, rumour has it, may or may not have hooked up with Jason in the process. Let us presume Jason ditched his fellow dog-washing lady friend, ignored all the women in the bikinis on the dancefloor and hooked up with Lulu, who at 45 years old was 23 years older than him. Brilliant. GIRL. IS. A. HERO.

Take That and Lulu

Lulu – we salute you

Robbie is sitting on what appears to be the Iron Throne towards the end – probably explaining his early departure from the band. Everyone on that show is doomed.

Relight My Fire 4 - Take That

Robbie Williams-Stark – off with his hat

At the end of this recap, it is only fitting that we induct Robbie Williams into the Ridiculous Hats Hall of Fame for his oversized Willy Wonka effort. But we still love you Robster.

Robbie Williams

You Get What You Give – New Radicals

The one where teenagers act like brats in a shopping centre…for something unusual.
Released 1998.

How good is this song? HOW GOOD IS THIS SONG? It is so good that even U2 said that they wished they had written it. But this song is so good that even in 1998, the peak of my uber-sensitivity towards anyone who bagged out my favourite band (“Zac Hanson’s hair looks silly.” “THAT’S IT, I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN.”), I LOVED this song despite Gregg Alexander threatening to kick Hanson’s asses in.

The video opens with a whole bunch of teenagers and adults sneering at each other condescendingly. This is going to end well. Of course, all the teenagers suddenly turn on, well, anyone who isn’t a teenager.

You Get What You Give 3

If you didn’t own a pair of yellow sunglasses in 1998 then you deserved to be locked up

Isn’t it a great reality check when you realise that you are now old enough to be one of the harassed adults in this music video? Sigh. Speaking of, have none of these kids realised that their ringleader is, in fact, 28 YEARS OLD?

You Get What You Give 2

This man is nearly 30, ya’ll

One thing I am 100% behind, is freeing the dogs from their tiny cages, because having dogs freely running around a shopping centre would only ever enhance my shopping experience.

As the teenagers take over the shopping centre, it makes you wonder how different the music video would have been with today’s youth – would they be sitting around, protesting by sending texts, making memes, tweeting insults, sending a snapchat… is that what you do on snapchat?

You Get What You Give 4

My only concern is if these business people are not corporate assholes but actually super disillusioned with where they are at in life, perhaps in the middle of an existential crisis. Or what if they are actually cleaners and they are dressed in a suit because they are going to a job interview? I think I am looking far too in to this, but only because I’m now one of the ‘old people’ they’d lock up, so…

To be honest, if I am ever going to take over a shopping centre, I think this kid is on the money with what I would do:

You Get What You Give 1

Wheezing the juu-uice

…and what of Gregg Alexander’s threats to kick Hanson’s asses in? Well, he ended up writing a song with them five years later.

You Get What You Give 5

MWAHAHA

Everybody Get Up – Five

The one where a ‘lad band’ crashes an exam.
Released 1998

Five (or 5ive, depending on who you ask) were an English, self-proclaimed “lad-band.” Not lap band, LAD band, because they were too ‘ard to be a boy band, see. YOU GOT THAT, MATE? I say that they were a band… but they are still going – originally as a four-piece (so, 4our?), and now as a three-piece (umm, 3hree?).

Five’s general laddishness was not more present than in their video for Everybody Get Up, in which they take over an exam. But we soon find out it’s not in the way where they snuck in and gave everyone the answers – which would have actually been more useful. However, I suppose providing a detailed explanation of the Pythagoras Theorem makes for a really  boring music video.

Five - Everybody Get Up 7

“Everybody get up, singin'”

“Please turn off all pagers and mobiles,” the Professor advises at the beginning. Literally five seconds later, he himself is PAGED to go to the office. So he leaves the exam completely unsupervised because students in high-pressure study environments are super trustworthy and all that. I mean, why even have an invigilator in the first place.

One dude gets the ball rolling by attacking his desk with his ruler and soon everyone else in unison. It’s apparently the boyband version of summoning the Candyman, because out of nowhere Five appear. These are the things I wish I knew at school.

The boys waltz in on the stage, with so many leather jackets that I’m pretty sure they were off to a leather jacket convention when they were abruptly summoned to an exam. Instantly everyone is ripping off their clothes and doing backflips, which is understandable because when I saw Five recently in Australia I pretty much did the exact same thing when they came out on stage. However, you just know that somewhere in the corner, there is poor Hermoine Grainger, utterly disappointed her exam is being interrupted:

Everybody Get Up - Five - Hermoine

Actual deleted footage from the video, honest

Soon, Abz has swapped his leather jacket for a slick bullet proof vest, while J has completed his ‘ard man look with a tidy bowler hat.

Rich and Scott pick up a few cans a paint to throw at people, because I don’t know about you but no party is complete without a good dose of solvent fumes.

Five - Everybody Get Up

I like my vodka with lead poisoning on the side

As a complete aside – every time I look at Rich back in the 90s I think of a Daphne & Celeste interview I’d read as a 15 year old. For some reason, they said Rich looked like a Muppet. Now I cannot unsee it. What is wrong with my brain, WHY is this committed to my long-term memory?

Five - Everybody Get Up 5

Someone then sets off the sprinklers just to add to the general chaos. I know I am getting old when I look at all of this malarkey and I think it must have been a bitch to get all of that paint out of their hair. Speaking of hair, how long do you think it took Scott to do his spikes each day?

 

Five - Everybody Get Up 6

His hair is geometrically perfect

Let’s all be honest, one of the best parts of the song is Sean’s ‘Ah.’ But how did well would that have gone down in the studio?
“Sean, we’ve got you a solo.”
“Finally! What would you like me to sing.”
“We need an ‘Ah’.”

Five - Everybody Get Up 4

‘Ah’

At the conclusion of the party, Five abruptly leave, leaving the students, covered in paint and soaking wet, to totally take all the rap. That’s nice.

“My God, what’s happened? GOOD HEAVENS.”
“It was 5ive, Sir, honest. They came in, did a dance, threw paint at us and set off the sprinklers.”

The Liebster Award

Liebster Award

Thanks to the wonderful Alex at Alex’s Crazy Stupid Blog (please check it out!), I have been nominated for Leibster Award. Thanks heaps Alex!

This is an award that is presented to fellow bloggers to give new and upcoming blogs recognition and to welcome them into the community, which is a fabulous idea and I’m very flattered to be nominated! You can find out more about the award here.

Part of the award is that I will post answers to Alex’s questions and also answer 10 random facts about myself, which you will find below. Also part of the award, I have nominated some blogs for the Leibster Award, and I encourage you to check them out!

1.Put your iTunes, Spotify or music listening device of choice on shuffle, and write down the first ten songs that come up!

Wonders of the Deep – The Chemical Brothers
Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson
Singin’ in the Rain – Debbie Reynolds (soundtrack version)
Stop – Jamelia
Oblivion – Bastille
Alfie – Lily Allen
Lights – Scissor Sisters
My Love – Westlife
Pictures in the Mirror – The Living End
Everyday I Love You Less and Less – Kaiser Chiefs

2. Who is your biggest inspiration and why?

I’ve been researching my family history over the past year and have a greater appreciation of everyone’s achievements and hardships – from my parents, all the way back to my great-great-great grandparents!

In terms of writing, J.K Rowling was a massive inspiration. The moment I began reading Harry Potter was a light bulb moment for me. I had been doing a lot of writing at the time, but was being a complete angsty teenager about it. I had been attempting to write really gritty, emo fiction even though I was more Elmo than emo. When I read Harry Potter I just thought, ‘I want to write stories like this!’ So years later obviously here I am writing a 90s music video blog J I am working on a still-yet-to-be-completed fantasy story though.

3. You’re holding a dinner party, and can invite five people of your choosing, dead or alive. Who do you pick?

I’d probably pick my dad and my grandparents so I could have a final conversation with them all and ask the questions that I never got to ask. But that probably sounds boring and sappy to everyone else so here is my celebrity version:

Stephen Fry
J.K Rowling
Taylor Hanson
Judy Garland
Prince Harry

4. What’s your favourite colour?

Purple.

5. Dogs or cats?

I was originally strictly a dog person growing up. My only experience with cats was my grandmother’s neighbours asshole cat that always attacked me. Then I actually lived with cats (through flatmates) and now I absolutely adore them. So I am honestly both!

6. What’s your earliest memory?

As a toddler our elderly next door neighbour used to give me Wagon Wheels whenever she saw me. So one day when my parents weren’t looking I waddled next door and asked her for a Wagon Wheel. So appropriate that scabbing food was my first memory.

7. Favourite smell?

In all reality it is probably ANY kind of Victoria’s Secret perfumes #obsessed. But I also went away to the ‘country’ for a few days recently and forgot how much I love, like, fresh air – but the smell of the grass, animals, fallen leaves. How good is the smell of hot chips when you’re really hungry though.

8. Favourite biscuit?

My elderly neighbour would be disappointed I didn’t say Wagon Wheels but Yo Yos are just awesome. Pure sugar.

9. What motto do you live by?

Not all those who wander are lost.

10. Last person you called?

My mum

11. Draw a picture of yourself and paste it here.

20160501_120107

10 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MYSELF

  1. I enjoy walking… like, stupidly long distances. I do a 50km event each year and completed my first 100km last year in 26 hours.
  2. I love AFL and am a fully toothed member of the Collingwood Football Club
  3. I am a coffee snob and don’t understand why people go to Starbucks
  4. I used to live in Hobart, Dublin and London
  5. I’ve hugged all three members of Hanson
  6. I’ve been writing a story for … years… please harass me to complete it!
  7. I’ve been learning Spanish and I am not very good at it.
  8. I now live in inner-city Melbourne which I love, but it’s also compelling me to live in the countryside with no neighbours or drunken people walking past my house at 3am!
  9. Best concerts I have seen are: U2, The Chemical Brothers, Muse, The Killers and Hanson.
  10. I love being at home, cosy and writing when it’s pouring rain outside (like right now!).

MY LEIBSTER AWARD NOMINEES ARE:

The Fit Fanson Blog

Highly Suggestible

Your Older Sisters Music

Please go check them out! 🙂

MY QUESTIONS TO NOMINEES:

  1. Why did you pick your topic that you blog about?
  2. What is your favourite sound?
  3. What was the last thing you ate?
  4. Describe your perfect day.
  5. What was the funniest thing that happened to you this week?
  6. Five words that sum you up?
  7. What is your favourite animal?
  8. What is your favourite book and why?
  9. Have you ever had an awkward spelling error (in a text, or at work, for example?)
  10. Favourite childrens TV character?
  11. Since my blog is about 90s music, what is your favourite song from the 90s?

Thanks again Alex for the nomination!

 

 

Trouble – Shampoo

The one where two girls try a variety of unsuccessful modes of transport to get home after a big night out.
Released 1994

Shampoo were kind of the predecessors to the Spice Girls. They even released an album called ‘Girl Power’ in 1995 before the Spice Girls spruiked it and we responded by running around by doing sport at school with giant platform sneakers (no? Just me?). According to Wikipedia (so it must be true), Shampoo started out by writing fanzines about the Manic Street Preachers, so if any record execs are reading this, I totally wrote some great Hanson fanfics back in the day.

A subsequent music video for this song was made, featuring the one and only Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Because if a song is going to sum up the children’s TV show Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, it is definitely a song about staggering home after a massive night out. Anyway, I suggest you check it out because it is probably the most 90s thing that ever happened. In fact, if my grandchildren ask me what the 90s was like I will probably just put on that video (and show them my copy of Totally JTT).

Shampoo - Trouble 1

My face on releasing the Power Rangers was nearly 25 years ago

Going back to the original video, it opens with the girls getting unceremoniously kicked out of a pub. Considering they’re not drunk (they’re walking too straight for that, from my mighty morphin’ powers of deduction), they perhaps graffitied the loos or clogged up the loos or graffitied and clogged up the loos with shampoo, hence their name. To make matters worse, a dad is standing outside the house nodding disapprovingly. Gotta get home!

Shampoo - Trouble 4

He’s checking his watch. Definitely in deep (sham)poo now.

Considering the girls are from Plumstead that’s a fair hike. I googled the distance from ‘The O Bar’ (the pub they got kicked out of) to Plumstead and it’s 12 miles (or nearly 19km). See?

Shampoo - Trouble 5

A casual four hour stroll from the pub would soon sober you up

However, they’ve missed the last train, don’t have any money for a taxi and the night bus never came. So the girls keep walking (side note: the Melbourne version of this song would definitely be ‘I tried to get a taxi but they drove off because the fare was too short and wasn’t on the drivers way home’).

The girls are now at Chelsea Bridge! What are you doing? You’re going in the completely wrong direction, check out the map! See, this is what you get when you wear sunglasses at night.

Shampoo - Trouble 3

“It’s cool, I think we’re in Deptford, not long now.”

The police pick up the girls – oh, good, they’ll get home safely without getting mugged or worse. But no, it appears that they literally took them for a ride – as per the lyrics – and dropped them off at some random park. Serve and protect!

Soon, it’s daylight and the dad has brought his dog out I mean, that isn’t a great sign. Actually, I really hope it’s supposed to be their dad and not some random stalker that’s all like ‘I wonder where those pretty girls are…”

The girls finally manage to get a ride home on the milk truck. The milk truck! That way they can get home before midday and get a handy dose of calcium on the way.

Shampoo - Trouble 6

Let’s hope the milk truck isn’t driving to Berkshire.

I Want You Back – ‘N Sync

The one where ‘N Sync try to save a girl from a terrible Wonkavision accident by flailing their arms
Released 1996 / 1998

Living in Tasmania in the 90s as a teenager was a sheltered, sheltered time. Without access to anything like youtube, we generally never saw ‘alternate’ versions of music videos if they weren’t shown on TV shows like Rage or Smash Hits. And even then, Tasmania didn’t even have Smash Hits for yonks.

…Long rambling story short, I actually had no idea this video existed. Until the other day.

Clearly, with nearly 19 million views, I’m pretty much the only person on this planet who hasn’t seen video before – there are probably people in remote villages of the world who have seen it (again, Tasmanian TV). So my initial reaction to this video, without having the benefit of rose-coloured memories attached to it, was

Quot+lord+quot+buddha+dafuq+_7a6face926ed91a9be99b25737482ef4

The version I was familiar with was the one where ‘N Sync are all ‘shootin hoops’, ‘playin’ pool’, ‘ridin jetskis’ and of course, ‘bustin’ out some coordinated dance moves’. Basically a warmed up leftover of a Backstreet Boys video.

But THIS! To use the Backstreet Boys comparison again, is the predecessor to the Larger Than Life video, without a budget. Judging by this blog so far, I feel like space themed music videos was the 90’s de rigueur.

The first thing with vintage ‘N Sync videos, is the old inevitable philosophical question – how did this Justin Timberlake become this Justin Timberlake?

NSync - I Want You Back 6

I Want You Back Gif

It’s a mystery. But I’m glad it happened.

This is apparently the video made for the European market in 1996. They are trying to get a girl back (presumably – I mean, the song title kinda gives it away) who has been involved in an unfortunate Wonkavision accident, and she’s up in the air, in a million tiny pieces.

NSync - I Want You Back 3

“Wonka, what have you done?” “Don’t worry, ‘N Sync will deal with it.”

“I’m trying to figure out just what to do,” sings Justin as they thrust about the place. Wonkavision girl is all like, “Yeah, the thrusting is nice but it’s not helping. I’m still in a million tiny pieces.”

NSync - I Want You Back 2

I guess you could say she wasn’t … IN SYNC! HAHAHA haha… ha …okay I’ll show myself out

 

So they try a few more dance moves but they just can’t seem to get her all back together.

Perhaps dancing like an inflatable tube man will help?

I Want You Back Gif 2

tumblr_mxpf9lmnwp1s9jqhso1_500

Maybe not.

So Lance and Chris reluctantly leave their dance troupe to find a computer and push a few buttons, in the hope that this will help. They’re so stupid, don’t they know dance moves always save the day in a boyband video?

So the whole point that they are in space and dancing around like inflatable men is that they are trying to get this girl-puzzle all back together and so what happens at the end? WE DON’T KNOW.

Towards the end, Lance gives us some hope by making this face.

NSync - I Want You Back 4

‘He’s cracked the code!’ we all rejoice, ‘He’s saved the day!’ Turns out he was just watching goat videos on youtube.

NSync - I Want You Back 5

Dammit Lance!

What happened to her? It’s a mystery. She’s still floating around out there. Unfortunately for her, it’s the end of April and it means that she doesn’t get the opportunity to share the best ‘N Sync-related meme ever.

I Want You Back 7

Any excuse, really.

What is Love – Haddaway

The one where a vampire recruits an unsuspecting Tinder date for a flash mob
Released 1993

In my feeble attempt to review this video, I inevitably ended up on a Jim Carrey youtube loop, thanks to the Saturday Night Live sketch that this song became infamous for.

haddaway youtube

Accurate infographic of my Youtube Circle of Life – always inevitably leading back to cats

We open with Haddaway asking a statue the crucial question, ‘What is love?’

Haddaway - What is Love 6

Still a better love story than Twilight

Nice try Haddaway but I really think you are asking the wrong inanimate object. And judging by the youtube comments I’m not the first one to make that Twilight joke #StillTrue

A poor unsuspecting Haddaway has found himself scampering around a mansion while some extras from Clueless having some dance off. We don’t quite know why Haddaway has found himself wandering around this incredibly large castle. Perhaps his car broke down. Maybe he fell asleep watching Full House and found himself sleepwalking. If it wasn’t 1993, I’d suggest this could be a really awful Tinder date, having swiped right for the dominatrix vamp-lady. After all we do see later on in the video that he has rocked up to the castle with a bunch of flowers.

Haddaway - What is Love 1

“Seriously this is the last time I use internet dating.”

Haddaway, a piece of advice, if the girl has fangs in her profile pic, it’s a no-go.

It appears the vamp-lady is not content with her army of dancing Clueless extras. She wants a real man wearing a chunky amulet and a vest to become part of her dance group. As you can see she’s pretty terrifying.

Haddaway - What is Love 4

With her dominatrix vamp-lady bite and a bolt of lightning he is suddenly an AMAZING TABLE TOP DANCER.

Haddaway - What is Love 5

Imagine if Robert Pattinson had those kind of powers!

Haddaway - What is Love 2

Err’y single day, slaying bitches with my dancing skillz

I’m not quite sure what this vamp-lady wants with her furiously dancing army. I mean, you’re a vampire, I’m sure you could provide better powers than that.

My theory: She is planning a very epic flash mob. It seems like an extreme way to go about it, but we’ll await this vampy, thrusty flash mob with baited breath. Coming soon to a town near you!

In the end, did Haddaway find out what is love? I don’t think so. Not unless love is getting bitten, hit by lightning, and becoming a table top dancer for your blood-sucking girlfriend’s flash mob. On second thoughts… maybe it does seem legit.

But did they live happily ever after? I’ll let you decide.

Haddaway - What is Love 3

“I can’t believe you left the toilet seat up AGAIN!!?”